


to know myself in the place I am

by dramamine_qt



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amputee Leonard Snart, DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV) Season 1, M/M, POV Alternating, Prosthesis, They talk a lot, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-08-10 09:48:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20133448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dramamine_qt/pseuds/dramamine_qt
Summary: In which Raymond and Leonard have actual conversations. Lots of them.





	1. The Start

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, the POV alternates between them during the story, I put tags with their names just to make it more understandable. Each chapter corresponds to an episode from the series, starting on S01 E09, when they regroup after Chronos!Mick's clusterfuck. In this universe, Leonard actually loses his hand and Raymond and Kendra break up right away. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

[Raymond]

Ray found Leonard in the deck, sitting open-legged on the floor, the cold gun on his lap and a toolbox with its contents spread around him. Leonard’s eyes were closed and his head was leaning against the wall like he was taking a nap. Seeing him like this, almost hugging himself with his good arm holding the other one close to his chest, made Ray’s heart do a weird thing.

Ray didn’t know how to proceed with anything happening with him or the team at that moment. First he had spent two years adapting to the ’50s and building a life with Kendra and then, suddenly, they were bringing Sara back from a cult of assassins, Mick was not just alive but evil and Leonard had lost his hand (that he had shattered himself – damn, Raymond would shudder just imagining the pain he must had felt).

Despite being given time to recollect and take a break from all the craziness going on, the pause provided them an excess of time to ruminate and mind wounds that they'd rather ignore.

“Looking for something?” Leonard’s voice took Raymond out of his thoughts. He hadn’t moved an inch and his eyes were still closed.

“No.” He finished entering the room, feeling the awkwardness of not knowing what he was doing, but trying not to show that. “For you, actually. I haven’t seen you in a while, I was wondering if you were okay.”

“_Peachy_.” A predictable answer accompanied by a predictable glance of narrowed eyes. Typical Leonard. Raymond wasn’t impressed.

“Sure. Mind if I make you some company?” Ray said while sitting at an arm’s length at his side without waiting for an answer and opening the notebook he was carrying through his journey of finding someone he wanted to be near to. 

Doctor Stein and Jax were working and fighting as always, Kendra and Sara were training and Mick and Rip weren't what he considered hang out material, especially Mick that was still seething with anger locked up in the cell. 

It wasn't news for anyone that he was a people person and loved to be surrounded. Despite preferring to be among others he had never had problems with being by himself. Now he had.

The problem was that he got used to having a regular life down on earth. He had built bonding not only with Kendra but with his students, his colleagues, his neighbors, his house, he was even attached to the grass he had to mow every couple of weeks. That was the slowest his life had ever been, extremely cozy and different from the chaos he was used to. 

Even if the ’50s was a shitty period to be stranded on, Raymond found different ways to be helpful and saving people's lives through teaching, paying attention to them and giving them the tools to grow and make a better world for themselves.

It pained him to admit that he was still salty from being brought back into the ship without warning and without being given the right to mourn this one life. He thought Kendra would share the loss with him, but she managed to move on instantly and make him feel awkward for missing it at the same time.

He was relieved to be back – he couldn’t not be –, but the sterile aesthetics of the Waverider wasn’t helping him feel any better. This and his teammates' habit of isolating themselves were working very well to build Ray's loneliness.

Raymond didn’t want to impose his presence – more than he already did – into Leonard and proceeded to continue with his projects silently in his notebook. He could feel Leonard glaring at him for a while until it was clear that Ray was serious about being there even if he obviously didn’t want him to.

[Leonard]

Leonard took a deep breath as he pondered what to do next since Raymond didn’t get the memo to leave him alone. Even Sara, the most nosy of them all over Leonard’s personal life, knew better than to bother him now.

But what else could he expect from boy scout? The great and selfless one pitying Leonard’s condition. At least he was silent. A fucking miracle.

Snickering to what Raymond was doing, Leonard saw a bunch of neat notes and drawings of some kind of device that he had no idea to where it was supposed to go. Leonard shouldn’t be impressed by the boy scout’s level of organization, but he respected a clean and organized mind when it came to business.

He sighed again, deciding to do nothing about him being there.

The cold gun sat heavily on his lap, waiting for him to get himself together and concentrate. He’d been there for a while now, learning how to navigate his weapon singlehanded. His goals were to open it up, make quick maintenance, clean it inside and out and put it back together. A simple task.

Except that it wasn’t. Leonard was jittery, lacking the patience to be slow and careful.

Leonard had heard of ghost limbs on amputee people, but that was a concept one could only fully understand when going through it. If he closed his eyes he could feel his hand, the shape of it, the weight of it as it had always been, but if he tried to touch it there was just emptiness. The agonizing memory of fingers and muscles and nerves that were gone.

Losing his hand wasn’t the worst that had happened to Leonard, but of everything he had lost in his life, that would require a whole different kind of adjustment. He felt so old and tired. Sacrificing his hand was the only way to save the people he – begrudgingly – grew to care, his partner and his sister, he didn’t regret it, but the outcome didn’t feel like a victory either.

He distracted himself thinking about the horrors Mick had promised to do to Lisa and of how trust was a damn thin line. It was easy for him to understand why Mick would sell them to the pirates or why he let the Time Masters manipulate him, but the way Mick was willing to hurt Lisa had been a pill too hard to swallow.

He reached for the screwdriver with the wrong arm.

[Raymond]

A screwdriver flew across the room into the opposite wall.

“Fuck!” Leonard shoved his gun away from him without care and brought his knees close to his body, with the heels of his hand he massaged his forehead, looking beyond done with everything.

Ray was fascinated. _Was he allowed to see it? _

“Raymond.” 

“Hm?”

“Could you, please, leave me the fuck alone.” _ Probably not allowed_.

“Ahn, no.” 

"I'm being polite, don't test me." Even if the death glare Leonard sent him was rather intimidating, Ray had a reason to stay now after seeing how his mental state was.

"Ok, it's been days, Leonard, you've been running and hiding from us but that's clear that it isn't making you any good." He left his notebook aside. "I don't want you to be alone."

The other man stared at him and Raymond made a great effort to stay still and don't break the eye contact.

"Fine," Leonard said. "I'm going then."

"No, wait!" 

Leonard looked back from the door, being very quick to get up and out. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to scare you away." 

"Whatever." And turned around.

"Wait!"

"What!?"

"You forgot your things."

He closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

"_I hate my life._" Leonard muttered to himself and crunched to gather the tools and put them back in the box.

"I'm really sorry."

"You never shut the fuck up? Jesus."

"I worry, that's all." Ray took his notes and tried to concentrate on them again and forget that this interaction ever happened. He started to draw circles in the margin of the sheet.

"What are you doing anyway?" He didn’t expect someone so eager for him to shut up to ask questions, but Ray wasn’t complaining. Leonard was a strange man.

"Tinkering into old projects... distracting myself, I guess."

"Here and not there, huh. Troubles in paradise?" The crunching turned into a cross-legged sitting position. Ray gave him a half-smile, because despite the change of subject maybe Leonard didn't really want to be by himself.

"You mean Kendra?"

"Did you elope with anyone else?"

Ray felt his face warm up.

"We didn't elope. That's not what eloping even means."

"I know what it means and I'm right depending on the point of view."

"Whatever you say. And we’re not gonna marry or run away any time soon.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Things here aren’t exactly the same as down there on earth.”

“That's an understatement.”

He didn’t know what else to say.

While the floor seemed to be an extremely good place to look at for Ray, Leonard focused on his stump. Gideon healed the damaged part almost completely, the skin was smooth and seemingly painless even just a few days later. 

“We could make you a prosthetic, you know?” Ray broke the silence, earning an exasperated sigh from Leonard. “I bet I can make it blast some lasers. Or ice, to keep your aesthetic going.”

Ray sat up straight and started sketching some projects, suddenly excited by the ideas popping inside his head.

“Maybe screwdrivers fingers? Not that I want to encourage your life of crimes, but that could come in handy… no pun intended.”

“I don’t want that.”

“Why not?”

To that Leonard just glared, closing off again as if Ray had made a misstep. And that didn’t make sense, he imagined that the possibility of a brand new and improved hand would take him out of his misery, but that wasn't the case.

Ray crossed his arms, obstinate.

“You have to talk to me.” Ray asserted, hoping that Leonard would let him in, even if just a little bit.

“Have I?” He retorted, being deliberately annoying.

“Yes!” Ray opened his hands. “No… I mean, you don’t have to, but that would be cool, you know. If not with me, but with someone.” Maybe not with Rip or Doctor Stein, he thought, those two could be insensitive fucks when they wanted to. “We all care about you here. Mick was… is your partner, but we are your team, you can trust us.”

Leonard dropped his nonchalant, almost amused, face and showed Raymond a cold one. The change left Ray thoughtful of how much of this guy was a construction and how little he knew about what Leonard was really thinking and feeling. Imagining someone having the need to be so cautious all the time saddened him.

“Our concept of team and trust may differ.” Leonard replied. “We’re a bunch of skilled piece of shits working together. I trust Sara to kick ass, I trust Kendra to fucking fly, I trust Jax and Doc Stein to catch on fire.” He raised an eyebrow to Raymond. “I trust you to fuck things up. And that’s that.”

That answer made Ray even sadder, he should be upset by the insult and by the way Leonard saw their group but he got it. The infamous Captain Cold wasn’t one to open up easily, Mick was an exception and that didn’t end up well. Leonard was hurting in a lot of ways and even if Ray wanted to, pushing wasn’t the best course of action.

“I see.” He let out a deep breath and he didn’t know what his face was doing at that moment, but Leonard rolled his eyes and spared a glance to the door like he was itching to leave again. “I don’t always fuck things up, you know? Normally I think I’m doing the right thing. Like saving your life.”

Leonard snorted. 

“Yeah, because one life is worth the life of one million people.”

“We have to protect each other if we want a chance to save those people. I’d rather not see you die, anyone of you guys.” Ray said the last part with a shrug, remembering very well that Leonard would happily leave him behind back in the gulag.

“You have a point.” And he sounded _ tired _.

A silence grew between them, Ray didn’t know what to say anymore, his mind wondering between thoughts and memories. He tried to keep himself positive, moving on, but sometimes it was hard to detach from all the shit he had been through.

A deep sigh brought him back to the present.

“I’m a methodic man.” Leonard started, absently, focusing on his arm. “My specialty is to pay attention, make a plan knowing ahead that it’s gonna blow up and adapt. Being able to learn and adapt is why I’m still alive.” He looked up, sharp, defensive. “This is me now.”

[Leonard]

He was impressed by how relieved he felt when Raymond just nodded and stayed silent. Leonard couldn’t bear being pitied or questioned right now.

“Do you want help with this?” Raymond pointed at the cold gun with his chin. “I could give you a hand.” He made a face at his choice of words and smiled sheepishly. “That was a slip that’s gonna happen a lot, I feel it in my guts.”

“No shit.” Leonard retorted, way less harsh then he should be. Raymond just being the boy scout that he was put him at ease somehow, less like walking in uncharted ground. “It’s just cleaning. I guess I have to learn how to rely on my left hand.”

“Hm… you know that you don’t have to, right? With a robot hand and all.” Ray illustrated it by making shooting poses with his arm. Leonard rolled his eyes.

“Do you ever get tired of embarrassing yourself?” He said and Ray wasn’t fazed at all by the remark.

“Nothing is embarrassing about having a weapon ingrained to your body.” For good measure Ray pretended to shoot at Leonard, making “peow peow” with his mouth and laughing at the least impressed face Leonard had ever made.

“Get out of my face, pretty boy.” Leonard batted his hand away and smirked. “If I had a weapon attached to me, you’d be dead, Raymond Palmer.”

“Well, you actually have a weapon with you 24/7 – I bet you even sleep with it – and look, still alive.” And the guy fucking winked at him, full smiling like he was in a fucking toothpaste commercial.

“Jesus, I’m out of here.” Leonard stood and went to grab his shit so he wouldn’t need to handle this anymore. He was tired, frustrated, staggered and his brain was starting to fail him.

Raymond seemed to find it funny.

“I’ll help you.”

He took the toolbox and their shoulders brushed as they got out of the deck.


	2. Starting The Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raymond didn't take crossing paths with Sydney Palmer far away in the future so easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows S01 E10 after the Per Degaton mishandled situation and before Mick beat the shit out of Leonard. I'm posting it right away because it's done and I'm excited to write the rest of it.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

[Raymond]

“How come you never shut up and I’m just now learning that you have siblings?” Leonard asked, leaning on the wall, looking as relaxed as he could be and Ray wished they would talk about anything but this.

“It’s just a brother.” he clarified and hesitated for a second, deciding how much he wanted to share with Leonard about his personal life. “A twin brother.”

“That’s… new.” Leonard raised his eyebrows and seemed to be contemplating something interesting. Ray couldn’t imagine what would be so fascinating about having twin Palmers in this world, but ok.

“I don’t like talking about it.” He replied, uncomfortable.

“Not hard to figure that out.”

“I guess I thought I wouldn’t hear about him at all around here.” The tiredness of the day sunk into him at once and Raymond felt like shrinking. Thinking about the place where he came from – his family – would bring back old feelings that he'd rather leave behind. He took a pillow from the sofa and muttered to himself: “I didn’t expect to hear about Sydney so far in the future.”

“Wait, your brother’s name is Sydney? Sydney Palmer?”

Raymond looked at him apprehensively, part of him didn’t want Leonard – or anyone in the Waverider, honestly – to know or have any contact with his brother. After all those years Ray still dreaded the comparisons. 

“Yeah... why?”

“What a weird name.” That made Ray crack a smile.

“Isn’t it?”

“I bet he also isn’t as smart or as pretty as you.”

“We kinda have the same face and it doesn’t matter that I’m the scientist one if he’s gonna take over my life work and make it in a way that it will end up in the hands of a fascist dystopian government... My own technology almost swooped my ass, Leonard.”

“Why do I have the impression that the rant has just begun?”

“Because I have plenty to say about that little piece of shit.” He paused and took a deep breath, ashamed that he had lost his cool so easily. "... maybe I'm a little worked up right now."

"Which is really intriguing and – I'm not gonna lie – very entertaining." Leonard sat next to him. "Are you dead for your family too?"

"What?"

"I’m a Central City guy, but even I heard of the explosion who killed the billionaire Raymond Palmer? It was all over the news."

Raymond looked at his own hands and wished he didn't forget his suit for once, so he could get as tiny as he felt and away from Leonard’s gaze.

"And? It’s whatever, why does it matter to you?" He bit back the impulse to tell Leonard to fuck off. Ray was stressed and needed some time to recollect (they’ve just lost and he wanted to be strong for the team, the time was clocking down) and not to have someone stirring old pains. “If you’re bored, go find a distraction somewhere else, I already told you I don’t want to talk about it.”

Leonard made himself more comfortable, leaning so he was facing Raymond.

“I’m not bored” He put his arm on the sofa backrest and rested his head on the stump of his arm. Raymond looked and found it so out of place: Leonard relaxed and smirking at him like they were buddies; as if that was a common occurrence to them. Ray frowned, confused, but also less like to pick up a fight. 

The mischievous crooked smile on Leonard’s face finished disarming him.

“What are you doing?” He muttered, leaning back and looking up, away from the new tension he was suddenly feeling.

“Being curious. It’s incredible that the boy scout could have a troubling backstory like the rest of us peasants.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh damn, and here I thought it was a must for this team, my bad.” 

Ray’s defensiveness was as pungent as Leonard’s sarcasm.

"I know that you and Mick call me pretty boy and boy scout – even haircut – because you think I'm privileged, you think that I'm here just because of my tech." He sighed. "Chances are that you're right."

"You came to that conclusion from nicknames?"

"Oh, no. It's the usual. People often think I can't do much when the theoretical isn't involved." He pushed his hair back. "What did you say? Oh, yeah, you can trust me to fuck things up."

"Yeah, I was angry, don't take everything I say too seriously."

"Why are you trying to be nice?"

"I’m a cool guy." Leonard said and smirked when Raymond rolled his eyes to the terrible pun the other made. "C'mon, humor me."

Leonard was a really strange man.

  
  


[Leonard]

If someone asked why he was doing that – someone with whom Leonard would consider telling the truth, not Raymond – he still wouldn't have an answer, because he didn't know.

Was it amusing? Interesting, maybe?

Pushing Raymond's limits was his new hobby, what would boy scout do if Leonard went too far? Invaded his personal space too fast? 

Living with the same people in a confined space for so long would do that.

"Let me guess. Rich distant parents. A too cool for school twin brother. Bullied for being a fucking nerd. Am I right?”

Raymond frowned and his mouth did a weird twist.

“That sums up pretty much my entire childhood.” His face fell again. “Damn, I’m so pathetic.”

Leonard anticipated some bickering or him to push back, but as it seemed, Raymond was too good for this, choosing to be miserable and self-deprecating. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Oh yeah, because being a genius and growing up in an encouraging environment really sucks.” Leonard retorted.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was a heaviness on Raymond’s voice and Leonard felt like finally reaching something.

“Tell me where I am wrong, then.” He provoked. “Because it’s hard to see what’s pathetic on swimming on money since diapers and never having to worry about the next day.”

“THAT’S-” Raymond interrupted himself and let out a deep breath. “That’s what makes me mad!” He turned to Leonard like he would charge at him at any moment but stuck at making wide gestures. “I’m tired of being belittled all the time by people like you who think that I am naïve and stupid for trying to be positive and hoping for the best. But let me tell you, that’s a  _ deliberate choice _ . I don’t know at what kind of hell you’ve been, Leonard, but I’ve tasted some hard times too and, unlike  _ some people _ , I prefer to try to overcome it than to be a moody self-centered prick.”

Leonard whistled. “That sounds more like hiding than overcoming, if you want my opinion.”

“I don’t.” Raymond retorted, the fire he had leaving him cold, his arms now weighing on his legs and his eyes had awareness instead of intent like some moments ago. Leonard could recognize something breaking inside him. “I am… so exhausted.” Raymond sighed. “Do you genuinely want to know? I hate my family. I hate them so much. The place from where I came from can burn in flames for what I care. Being a “genius” didn’t make shit for me back there. Sydney was my biggest bully, the athletic and normal kid of the house, the one who was charismatic and interesting and could hold a normal conversation. My parents were never there and when they were they would forget that I was a damn child and treat me like I was too much, too far away from them to take care. I got out of there as soon as I could and, well, the world surely saw how much of a child I was and  _ fucking _ stepped on me instantly.”

Raymond pretended not to hear Leonard’s little gasp when he swore.

“Then I grew up, found a solid ground, someone to love… and that someone is murdered right in front of me – did you heard that on the news too, Leonard?” He was becoming sharper and bitter. “She died and I couldn’t do anything about it. There’s nothing I can ever do.”

A silence filled the room. That was way more than Leonard had asked, so more that it wasn’t even funny. Maybe probing wasn’t the wisest thing to do and instead of having a little banter going on he had a worn out and exposed Raymond to handle. 

Leonard always needed to know everything about everyone so he had enough leverage and all the cards at hand to play. So a part of him was glad to have had access to some of Raymond’s weaknesses. The other part sympathized, and that was dangerous, meaning that he was about to do something stupid, like try to comfort him. Which was bad. 

“I thought you said no troubling backstory.” He commented eventually, lightly, studying Raymond’s face, tense, red-rimmed eyes. 

Raymond let out a humorless laugh. “I lied. I guess it was the hiding thing.” 

“Well, you aren’t anymore, not as much at least.” Leonard shrugged a little as if it wasn’t such a big deal. “But I get why you were so upset now. With reason. Be mad, man.”

For that, Raymond’s laugh had some humor in it.

“Be mad, break things, do crimes.” Raymond recited and looked at him with a half-smile. “I’ll let you know that I was a thin line apart from punching you in the face.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I should.”

“It isn’t your style, pretty boy. Too dirty for you.”

“I can do dirty too.” 

Leonard rolled his eyes. “Of course, whatever you say.” 

Leonard stood up and stretched lazily. 

“Since we sorted this out, I’m gonna see myself out. See you later, boy scout.”

“Still with the nicknames?”

“And why not?” He turned to Raymond, smirking. “Don’t waste your time overanalyzing unnecessary shit. Take it as an endearing touch.”

Leonard winked at him and watched his astonishment with amusement. He had his ways to mess with people, depending on who was his target Leonard tended to know what buttons to push and act accordingly. Most of the time he did that to attain control over them and the circumstances, it was a coping mechanism as powerful as adapting to him. Other times he did that just to  _ mess around _ , to indulge himself. That was it.

“Is that it?” Raymond replied, pouting a bit, disapproving Leonard’s ways, which made everything more interesting. “So you don’t mind if I called you  _ Len _ from now on, right?”

“Yikes.”

“What? Don’t you like it, Len?” Raymond smiled. “Should I find another endearing term to call you? Something really sweet and-”

“Fuck off. Just don’t talk to me ever again so you’ll never need to call me anything.”

“That’s so harsh,  _ Len _ . You crush my feelings talking like that, we just had a moment here…” He looked deeply inside Leonard’s eyes and finished. “... Len.”

“I’ll have to fucking murder you.” Leonard shook his head. “I’m done with you and your bullshit.”

“Hey, Len, before you go.” Raymond said and ignored the daggers Leonard threw with his eyes when he turned. “Don’t… What I told you have to stay here, okay? I don’t know what possessed me to open up to you like that. Just…”

“I won’t mention it.”

Raymond didn’t look sure about it.

“Guess you have to trust me.” 

[Raymond]

Leonard –  **Len** now, this asshole – winked for the second time and left him alone in the common room. Ray let out a deep breath and laid down on the sofa, his mind racing over a million things, relieved and regretful at the same time. 

And confused, over everything. He didn’t know what game Len was playing, but whatever it was needed some ground rules, because it was too close and too fast in a way that he had never experienced before.

He saw Len be vulnerable not long ago, by accident. Now he let himself be seen, a slip he shouldn’t have made. Was that their thing now? Tear each other’s bandages on occasion?

Ray’s stomach grumbled and since he didn’t felt on edge anymore, he got up and went to the kitchen.

  
  
  



	3. The Middle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're both on edge and some feelings are starting to present themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This comes up during the S01 E11. I can't get over sheriff Raymond and beat up Leonard. I can't get over them period. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

[Leonard] 

When Raymond said he had a plan, Leonard wasn’t expecting him to come and ask him to be his shooter. He appreciated the thought, but it was too dumb of an idea for him to agree with it.

“You can do this,” Raymond said and Leonard rolled his eyes at the persona Raymond adopted with all this sheriff role. 

“I-” _ can’t _ , wasn’t a good thing to say being a person that hated to admit his weaknesses… like he had already done… to the same person. “I didn’t train my shooting enough to guarantee that you won’t have a bullet in your forehead, _ John Wayne _.”

"Is that concern that I'm hearing under that layer of sarcasm, Len?” Raymond bumped their shoulders exhibiting a smile too enthusiastic for someone about to be murdered. "I think it is."

"Yeah, smile while you still have teeth, you idiot." He stepped away and crossed his arms. "I'm not gonna do it. Get Mick."

"Why not?" It was very strange to see a grown man pout, that made Leonard want to do something violent like smoosh his face.

"You're a clever man Raymond, think." Leonard pulled the cold gun with his left hand and sustained the barrel on his other arm. "I'm – _ was _ – right-handed and 'm still getting used to being a lefty. This baby doesn't require much precision, I just have to shoot in a general direction and she does the rest, but a shotgun? I barely can write with this hand, my calligraphy sucks. I'm not your guy for this."

Saving doctor Stein earlier was a stroke of luck, he thought fast and let his instincts do the rest. One thing was reacting and something completely different was being counted on.

Raymond deflated.

"I guess."

"You just don't trust Mick, isn't it?"

"He's team, we have to trust each other. But… well, I'm still forgiving him for what he did to your face."

"Who's concerned now." Leonard drawled, putting the gun back in its holster. He did what had to be done that day, in a perfect world, people would just shut up about it.

"Me. I'm concerned. I'm like super concerned. I've seen the footage of that encounter of yours and let me ask you: do you wanna fucking die?"

Now Leonard felt cold, cold, cold.

"Mind your own business." He said, dryly, and turned.

"Wait!" Raymond looked like he knew he fucked it up and was trying to think really fast of something to say and mend it. "Listen, I care about you, I care about your well being and that's not… I don't want you to get hurt, especially when I see that you do that on purpose. Why did you do that?”

Leonard sighed and it was like a part of his soul was leaving him.

“In case you are under the assumption that you’re in the place to question what I do,” he started and stepped closer, knowing that it would make the other nervous and Raymond didn’t disappoint. “I don’t owe you an explanation, it’s not your problem.” 

Raymond opened his mouth to say something and then set his jaw again, swallowing words that he probably thought would be too much. He did that a lot, Leonard noticed, especially when angry or confused. Always too good.

“How is that _ not _ my problem?” He ended up saying, exasperated. “You could have died or been seriously injured. You literally let the decision on the hands of a man who – we want it or not – isn’t the one we used to know.”

“Drop it.”

“No.” Raymond held Leonard’s wrist trying to keep him from running away.

“Saint Palmer is at it again.” He said, venom dripping from his words. “The hero righteous one thinking that there's just one way to handle things in life. The grey spectrum is vast and I can assure you that Mick and I are far gone lost in it." He looked deeply into Raymond's eyes, taking in how close they were, the heat coming from his body and feelings. "Now that I'm more than done with this, I'd like to go."

Raymond released him, but neither of them moved. 

"I want you to care about yourself enough to not put yourself in situations like that." The way Raymond said that – low and gentle – made Leonard's blood boil.

"Fuck off!" He replied and put some distance between them.

"What-?"

"I didn't ask for your opinion, I didn't ask for you to care about my shit. I don't want you thinking that you mean anything to me just because of some exchanged words." More steps back. This wasn't what he should have said, he had the tools to properly push Raymond away now, to hurt him and guarantee that he wouldn’t attempt to get close again. Leonard was angry at the part of himself that didn’t want to do that. "That's what I said, fuck off."

Raymond seemed to take offense anyway.

“Fine! Whatever!” He opened his arms in a giving up gesture. “I’ll fucking fuck off then!”

Raymond grabbed the cowboy hat he’d took off at the start of this hell of a conversation and put it back on, glaring at him with an intensity that Leonard used to forget that he had, storming off before anything else was said.

“_ God-fucking-damnit… _” Leonard muttered to himself, resisting the urge to break something and taking deep breaths instead of throwing a punch at the wall. 

––––––––––– 

[Leonard]

Raymond’s plan miraculously worked.

"Mark me down as scared and horny," Leonard whispered to himself and left out a deep breath. Watching Raymond stood up to those guys and hold his ground fearlessly was _ something else _.

"Oh man, I thought the exact same meme." Jax put his fist up waiting for Leonard to bump it, but when it didn't happen he just shrugged. "Who'd say Ray could act so sure of himself?"

"He has his tricks."

"You'd know." The boy replied with a raised eyebrow and a playful smile. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you two being all friendly and shit, is he melting your iceberg?”

"Careful, kid." Leonard drawled, unamused. “Don’t put your nose where you don’t want to lose it.”

Jax just laughed at the warning and left to meet the rest of the group. Leonard looked up and Mick was still there at his mark, observing. The person who walked out the cell that day was just a semblance of what Mick once was and Leonard couldn’t help but feel like he'd lost the only thing that was a constant to him. Like he was continually stepping with the wrong foot.

He noticed Mick's gaze on him and nodded, grateful that there was someone to do the job. Grateful and impossibly annoyed. Maybe it was time to swallow his pride and his insecurities and make what was best for the team. Sara wasn't there and if Mick weren't too, Raymond could've been seriously hurt or killed. 

Leonard turned around and grimaced remembering what Raymond had said before, catching himself _ caring_. Not that he didn't care about things sometimes, he was just very selective about what would matter to him and he was very good at pretending when he didn’t want to give it off. Controlling his feelings was an ability that he had learned early on his life and, even then, there he was, anxious, feeling bad because Raymond felt bad.

Raymond started to act like they were friends, calling him Len and shit, spending time with him like it was something he enjoyed – even when Leonard was an asshole – and worrying about him.

Leonard shouldn’t be letting himself go on with it, but that was what was happening and he was already fucking everything up.

He let out the most tired sigh ever. 

––––––––––– 

[Raymond]

"Mr. Snart is asking your permission to enter your room, Mr. Palmer." 

Ray, that was bent over the dismantled chest piece of his suit, jumped at the sound of the AI's voice and then immediately proceeded to freak out, overthinking the reasons of why the hell Leonard would be knocking on his door, split between curiosity and dread (what if he’d come just to pick on the argument they’d started before?).

"Mr. Palmer?"

"Ah, yes, thanks, Gideon." He swallowed dry. "Let him, ahn, in."

The door slid open and Leonard stepped in, wearing his traditional clothes minus the jacket and a somber look on his face. His skinny jeans were always so distracting, _ why did he need to wear pants so tight? _

They stared at each other for a while. When Ray was about to break the silence to say something Len beat him to it.

"You win."

Ray blinked.

"Cool… I guess? Should I know what you're talking about?" He replied with an awkward smile, accepting that he just wouldn’t understand things when Len was involved. 

Leonard rolled his eyes and instead of answering, he pointed his right arm to Raymond and made two shooting motions, mouthing "pew pew" at him. Ray had two seconds of pure confusion before understanding what was going on.

He wasn't even ashamed to act like an excited puppy.

"Really!? Oh my god, it's gonna be so good!" He stood and held Leonard by the shoulders before giving him a quick hug and start to maniacally open and close drawers, searching for something. "I have so many ideas I want you to have a look."

He found a file and sat on his bed, spreading sheets all over the place. 

“I’ve been working on this since our talk that day. The engineering part is the easiest for me, but I’m having some trouble with the organic attachment. I want the movements to be as smooth as possible.” He looked up briefly to see if Leonard was still on board. “But I’ll figure that out later, don’t worry. I have some concepts here though that we can choose and make happen.”

Leonard sat at the foot of the bed and seemed slightly overwhelmed by Ray’s verborragy and his burst of enthusiasm, but he couldn’t tune it down now that he had started, so he just kept talking without requiring anything from Leonard besides listening to him.

“That’s… impressive.” Leonard said, eventually, when Raymond was distracted writing some notes. “You didn’t need to do this.”

“I wanted to,” he answered with a shrug. “In case you changed your mind.”

“And I did, didn’t I?” The answer was absent and Leonard was looking at the drawings with distant eyes, his mind somewhere else. Raymond put a hand on his arm before he could stop himself.

It was enough to bring him back.

“It’s gonna be still you,” Ray said, giving him a light squeeze before backing off.

Leonard didn’t respond immediately, he cleared his throat and picked a piece of paper.

“I kinda like that one.”

Raymond smiled. “That’s my favorite.”

They took their time discussing the drawings and projects for a while. Besides everything, Raymond was feeling good, comfortable in his room, in Leonard’s company, talking about something that both of them were absorbed on and still on the excitement of the events of the day.

He didn’t forget the hurtful words that had been said, but more then resentment he felt remorse, for stepping up where he shouldn’t, for extrapolating his place on Leonard’s life. Part of him wanted to apologize, other part wished that Leonard did it first. 

"Are we good?" Leonard asked after a moment of silence.

"Yeah, I think that's enough for now, I just have to start building it and think of the most effective way to attach it, but that won't be a problem." Some more notes were made. "I'm sure Doctor Stein will help me with that."

"Great. I meant between us, from earlier." That made Ray stop scribbling and look at him. Leonard was poking at the stump, a weird habit to acquire, but Ray wouldn't comment. "Are we good?"

"That depends."

"You were hugging me two seconds ago, what is that?"

"I was happy, Len. Hugging is a common thing to do when we're happy."

"Debatable."

"Ok, look. You can't continue going down the self destruct path like you've been doing. And you need to listen when a friend is trying to stop your bullshit."

"So demanding." He said like it was such a bummer to just have common sense. Despite that, Ray was incredibly relieved that Len didn't dispute the friendship part or else he'd flip a fucking table.

"Human basics."

"Heh."

Ray crossed his arms.

"You do you. Do whatever you want, but I won't be standing here and let you hurt me every time you think I get too close or when you don't want to hear what I have to say."

"That's fair."

"Okay." Ray waited for the other shoe to drop.

“Cool.” 

“Well, I didn’t think it would be that easy, but yeah, I guess we’re good.”

“Great, okay, bye.” Leonard stood to leave and Ray stood too by reflex, because it was so fast, _ why Len was always so eager to go? _

“Hey, Len,” Ray called. "I'm sorry for pushing, earlier. I… I really don't get it, but that means something for you and I respect it. Just… stop hurting yourself, ok?"

Leonard stared at him, his face unreadable, before looking around, thinking hard about something and Raymond wished he had access to his mind.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you." He said and gave him a half-smile. “Have anyone told you that you’re too softhearted to be around there? It’s gonna kill you someday.”

"I can't help it, what's wrong in being like this?"

"That's annoying," Len replied, being soft himself, and Raymond felt like unlocking a new Leonard's feature, a side of him that he didn't know was there and that he would like to believe – with all his being – was a genuine one.

“I see, the most annoying person on this ship.”

“Great that you admit it.”

They looked at each other awkwardly, smiling but unsure of what to do next, and Raymond was hit by the realization that he felt like a teenager interacting with his crush and that was too much.

“Ahn… dinner time? Are you hungry?”

“Sure, lead the way.” He motioned for him to go on and their shoulders brushed when he passed by him, this time the feeling of the touch lingered and Raymond could just think about how fucked he was.


	4. The middle continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Face their past selves and their significant others while trying to survive might be a bigger emotional challenge than they thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E12, with all the Pilgrim mess.

[Leonard]

Leonard had never thought that “cute” was a good word to refer to anyone and he straight out hated it when it was directed at him. Even if it was for another him.

“But look at those cheeks. Look, Len.” Raymond beamed, playing with Baby-Leonard’s hand and watching him pop a blob of saliva like the fucking useless newborn that he was. “I want to smoosh your face and kiss your chubby belly.”

"Baby voice? Is that how it's gonna be?” Leonard rolled his eyes and dislodged himself from the farthest wall from the baby that he could have found and come close to Raymond, looking over his shoulder. “This is gross.”

“Is not.” the other replied, ignoring Leonard’s lurking and smiling at little Leonard, that was now trying to put Raymond’s finger on his mouth. “You’re just mean and unappreciative of cute and innocent things.”

“Oh, so uncalled for… I appreciate cute and innocent things that can communicate and look out for themselves.” Len drawled and smirked when Raymond gave him a look. “And that stay out of my way.”

“If you say so.”

“I tolerate you, don’t I?” Leonard said and watched with amusement as Raymond raised his eyebrows confused and then narrowed his eyes at him in suspicion in two seconds. “Now, why are you wasting your time here with mini-me and not fangirling with your younger self about time travel?”

Raymond took the baby in his arms like he was using it to shield himself from the question. Leonard couldn't help but find the image of a man this tall and this clumsy holding a small thing with such sureness and care strangely endearing. 

“He's stuck in the medical for a while, for what I heard. And you know we can’t have contact with ourselves, Len, we don't need any more paradoxes in our lives." He said while cradling the baby like no one's business.

"Yeah, say that to Mick and Sara. We're not what you can call reasonable people." 

"I am," Raymond replied right before giving a succession of kisses on baby-Leonard's forehead and smirking at Leonard's disgusted face.

"Don't do that, I don't want bacteria on mini-me's face, were you raised in a barn?" Leonard took himself from Raymond's arms and put it back in the crib, pointedly ignoring the man’s stupid happy face.

Leonard had two hands now and was getting used to it again. He could feel Raymond looking pointedly at it every time Leonard put it in use. They'd made a bunch of models and after some tries could get the movements right but something, according to Raymond and his perfectionist ass, was always missing. Leonard was content with the results, for him it was a miracle that it was done at all, it didn’t matter if it weighted a little bit more than expected or that he didn’t have a sense of touch on it yet. He could handle it.

"You're just so adorable, I couldn't resist," Raymond said, choosing to swallow the comments he always had on the tip of his tongue about the hand just to fuck with him some more. The asshole was having fun.

"You're the least reasonable person among us." In the urge to get himself out of this situation, Leonard made his way to the exit, saying without pausing, "and I hate when you try to be funny."

"I wasn't trying." He heard the other man say with a laugh on his voice, but Leonard was already out, fiercely pretending that he wasn’t flustered.

Needless to say that he hated how Raymond affected him. So annoying.

While they were trying to save their pasts selves from the Pilgrim things were somehow manageable (even if Raymond acted like he wished to be as far away as possible from his another version), but when they had to bring their significant others into the ship to keep them from harm… well… 

[Raymond]

He left Anna to rest with a smile. 

Once the door closed behind him, Ray pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes so he wouldn't start crying in the middle of the corridor.

_ Breathe in. _

_ Breathe out. _

_ Repeat. _

When he wasn't about to collapse anymore, Raymond went to find somewhere quiet to lick his wounds. Scars that he thought were healed proved to be tender as new now.

But of course, he'd cross paths with Leonard. 

"Hey, pretty boy." He greeted, slow and gentle like he knew what he was feeling. Len looked as worn out as he felt and Ray wished he had the liberty to just go and give him a hug.

"Hi."

Ray felt himself being scrutinized, a weird but not uncomfortable silence grew between them. 

Ray looked at him too and was washed by the realization that Leonard was one of his people – truly –, just standing there with that expression on his face that could mean thousands of things, the coldgun resting in its holster and the hand casually on its hilt out of a habit, jacket, prosthetic hand on the side of his body, still weighing more than it should. A familiar figure. Raymond left out a deep breath.

It wasn’t news to anyone that Ray trusted people too easily and too soon. He had shared hard feelings with women he barely knew just because something on his guts told him they were trustworthy. Thinking about it, maybe he had been so desperate to be seen that he took all the risks of being vulnerable, even if it would only hurt him more.

Now he had to learn to do better. Even if he was falling for Leonard (because it was really that easy), the man wasn’t like anyone he’d met before. Ray didn’t understand him, couldn’t see behind all those walls and it would be the end of him to open himself for someone who wouldn’t take care of it.

"Come on," Len said and turned, walking back from where he came. "I have booze."

[Leonard]

So Raymond Palmer was crying in front of him and Leonard didn't know what to do, because being cynical would ruin everything and damn if he knew how not to be a dick.

"I never loved anyone like I loved Anna. She was perfect for me and I was so sure. I thought that it would be forever... that she was the one." Raymond started after some silent tears, staring straight ahead like he was somewhere else inside his mind. "Then she was gone and even then she was the one to give me a direction, to give me hope and a purpose. Atom wouldn’t exist without her.”

Raymond cleaned his face with the back of his hand.

They were sitting on the floor, side by side, their backs leaning on the side of the bed.

“I’m sorry for being so… sad.” Raymond shrugged. “It’s just that… it's like I'm losing her all over again. And that’s worse because I know what’s going to happen but I can’t do anything about it, just like the first time. What’s the point?"

Leonard took a sip and looked. Not looking wasn't an option.

“And to pretend that everything is okay.” Raymond snorted and drank straight from the bottle. “Talking and smiling like I haven’t been mourning her for years and, at the same time, I couldn’t pass the opportunity to see her again, alive, one last time.”

“You weren’t supposed to see her like that. That isn’t the right course of things.” Leonard replied, thinking about being stupid enough to go back in time to prevent his father from becoming a monster like he wasn’t one already. The father that he had killed himself still with the face of the man that destroyed his childhood and made Leonard who he was today. “No one should face their past that way.”

“Shit, I hate this.” Raymond talked for them both. 

Neither of them talked for a while. Leonard felt weirdly comfortable, besides anything, just sitting there and drinking and being ok with whatever was going on there, not thinking. Raymond couldn’t shut the fuck up though.

"It sounds stupid now, but I promised to myself that I wouldn't kiss anyone else after she died." The man said and Leonard chuckled at his sheepish expression.

"I reckon you didn't follow that through," Leonard remarked, remembering very well that he and Kendra had played house for two whole years, surely doing more than just kissing.

"No. I also promised that I would never be hopeless again and broke that one too." Raymond looked sadly at the bottle in his hand. "I should stop."

"And here I thought you'd drink till oblivion like a normal person. Tsc."

“No, I mean, I’m still drinking, what I meant is that I should stop with the promises.” He sighed. "And with the obsession of becoming a hero."

“You are a hero,” Leonard replied, unironically, he held up his alcohol just fine but it would definitely loose his tongue and if he was already saying shit like that, maybe he should be the one not drinking till oblivion.

“Yeah… I try to.” Raymond gave him a side-eye and then smirked. “You are a hero too.”

“Fuck off.”

“You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.”

“I am here because I wanted to steal things, don’t get me wrong.”

“Let me rephrase it: you’re still here because you’ve found your inner hero and genuinely want to save the world. Don’t lie to yourself.” 

“Well, I damn live in this world, don’t want it to fucking end.”

“That’s cute how you want to look like a bad guy, it won’t work with me, Len. I know you.”

“You don’t know shit.”

“Yeah, right.” He said with a knowing look on his face.

Raymond wasn’t the only one on the group to believe that Leonard had something good and worth inside him, but he was the only one who made him feel off about that.

“So you really thought you wouldn’t be kissing anyone anymore.” He said, desperately wanting to change his course of thought and regretting instantly the topic his brain brought up.

Raymond let out a surprised laugh, a less miserable one and Leonard felt better with that.

“I did. My needy ass didn’t let it tho.” And he was self-deprecating again. Leonard rolled his eyes.

“Well, I was thinking it was more about how kissable you are.”

“Do you… do you really think that?” Raymond replied, blushing. BLUSHING.

“Have you ever looked in the mirror?” Leonard wished he could eject himself from the Waverider. The words were coming out from him and there was no way he could salvage this now.

Raymond looked at him suspiciously.

“How drunk are you?”

Leonard gave the guy a point for figuring out that he wouldn’t be saying any of this if he wasn’t intoxicated. He didn’t respond.

“You were already drinking, weren’t you?

“Maybe.” 

“Why?”

“Does one need a reason to get wasted?”

“Ahn, yes. You especially.”

“Hm. So many high standards for me. What do you want? A perfect man?”

“Is it because Lisa is here?”

“Maybe.”

“If you are so worried about her, shouldn’t it be better to keep a straight mind?”

“Can’t do this, pal.” He replied with a chuckle thinking about how straight he couldn’t be and missing the time where he wasn’t being interrogated.

“What’s going on?”

“Let’s get back to you crying please.” Leonard leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He felt Raymond changing position sideways and facing him. Leonard was suddenly torn between feeling caged and seen, making an effort to stay still and not run away.

“Tell me.”

[Raymond]

He asked but didn’t really expect an answer, Leonard had walls so tall that Raymond was afraid that he would never get to see through them.

“I hate you for being like that, so earnest. So caring.” He started talking, wrinkling his nose like it was somehow disgusting – typical Leonard –, eyes still closed. Raymond swallowed dry, because  _ this _ , he could see past this.

“And kissable.” He put his foot on his mouth trying to undo the tension tying a knot on his chest. “Apparently.”

“You do though.”

“Stop deflecting.”

Leonard snorted.

“You’re also stupid.” He drawled. “But I’ll bite. I can’t forget the way Mick threatened Lisa when he kidnaped me and I can’t stand watching them acting like everything is like it was before. I swear that pains me to say out loud, but Mick has always been like family to us. And I’m so out of my game right now that I just want to switch off.” 

It was a lot. Raymond didn’t even think that could be a problem, but he got it now that Leonard told him. He didn’t know what to say though.

“I’m aware were gonna erase their memories when – or better – if we get out of this alive, but man, I don’t want to repeat my fucking robot hand revel again. The way she looked at me? No thanks.”

“She loves you, Len. Of course, she’s going to feel for you.”

“I know.” 

They both sighed.

“Doesn’t mean you want to face it.” Raymond voiced what had been unsaid, Leonard hummed his agreement.

The bottle on Ray’s hand was sweating now, dripping between his fingers and he sighed.

“We better get shit faced then.” He made a little toast with Leonard’s forgotten drink. “Just for tonight. I guess we deserve it.”

“I guess.” The reply came with a smirk, Leonard looking relieved and kinda amused by Ray’s course of action. “You’re really something else.”

Raymond wished he could blame the alcohol, but he was too far gone for it, his little crush had evolved awfully into something that made his stomach churn every time their skin brushed or when he had Leonard’s eyes on him or when Raymond would see him do something ridiculously cute or hot.

Goddamnit, he thought, drinking again to distract himself from the fact that he just consciously admitted to finding Leonard hot. Bad moment to be aware that sitting cross-legged like that while Leonard was still by the bed with his legs stretched out made Raymond’s knees rest on the man’s thigh. How were they so close? 

“What are you thinking about?” Len asked and Raymond spat half the beer in his mouth like the fool that he was. 

“No- nothing!” He replied too quickly and cleaned his mouth with the back of his hand, his face burning.

“Really?” Len provoked. “Nothing, like your mind is completely blank right now?”

“Yes! Exactly that.”

“Zero thoughts.”

“Not even one.”

Leonard smiled and Raymond felt like being consumed.

“I see,” he said, unashamedly looking straight at Ray’s face until his gaze stopped on his mouth and a little frown appeared between his eyebrows. “You still have some here.”

And then his hand was on Ray’s chin.

And then his finger was brushing the corner of his lips.

Raymond swallowed dry and Leonard followed the motion with his eyes, his hand went slowly down to his neck, the thumb resting on his jaw.

“What are you-” Ray whispered, wanting but unsure of what Leonard had in mind.

“Keep not thinking, Raymond,” he whispered back before closing off the distance and giving him a soft but steady kiss, purposeful with room for him to back off or push him away. As if. 

Ray couldn’t help but let out a shaky breath before opening his mouth and deepening the kiss.

Leonard's other hand found Ray's waist and pulled him closer, the hard and cold material from the prosthetic reaching through his t-shirt fabric and he suddenly wanted it off and feel it on his skin. 

They kissed and kissed and when he felt like needing air, he would leave kisses on Leonard’s jaw, under his ear, down his neck. Everything around them was hot and still tense and Raymond wanted to put his legs around Leonard and let whatever was to happen happen.

Leonard made a sound and it alone would be enough to melt him.

The door opened.

They heard a gasp and a laugh.

Raymond rushed back and Leonard pushed him away at the same time, making him end up laying on his back and looking up in an upside-down way at Lisa and her absolute mischievous smile.

“I knew something was up! When were you gonna tell me about him, Lenny?” 

Ray was mortified, he got up as quickly as he could – which meant that he bumped on everything close to him, accidentally kicked Leonard's leg and tripped on air on his way to the door – and looked back to face two Snarts looking at him like the most entertaining thing they’d ever seen.

“I see…” she commented.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I… gotta go,” Raymond said, removing himself from the situation, feeling dizzy and embarrassed and frustrated.

“He’s so cute.” He still heard her say. “You know you don’t have to hide those things anymore, right?”

He didn’t listen to Leonard’s answer.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, my dudes, my fellow readers... thanks a lot for reading. It has taken me 63 years to write and I'm dying here, but things are going... I guess.


End file.
